Wednesday, September 22, 2010

A satirical account from a novice


Years of serious news, news of bouts of corruption, a zillion scams, grim news of deaths in Kashmir valley, deaths due to Naxal attacks, 26/11, 9/11, post 9/11, deaths in Iraq, suicide bombings, overt and covert terror attacks, false encounters, rape and murder, dowry harrassment, sodomy, honor killings, a never ending saga of dirty politics, market/sensex dynamics, global climate change meets, BT brinjal - raise an eyebrow, twitch a muscle or two, rack our nerves, send a shiver down our spines.

The lesser mortal has got complacent to an egregious display of such news items on many television channels. For long, our elders taught us to refrain from heated arguments, they avoided debates with best efforts. Now, the TV encourages us to engage in raging debates and pointless arguments. One day, the media blows a matter hot and we fume, the next day it blows it cold and our reactions mellow down.

A refreshing change from all of the above, comes in the form of a website -
A serendipitous discovery, I must admit, this website gave me hours of laughter. The website handles current, hot topics of national interest, largely and makes a satire on them. These satirical accounts provide a meek, completely harmless pleasure. I have been following this website for over a month and am its huge fan. So when Arnab Goswami, Barkha Dutt get boring, when Karan Thappar gets irritating (he is born that way and meant to be so) and when Rajdeep Sardesai blasts his vocal chords, turn to these fake news for sheer fun :)
When your quota of satire for a day is met, get back to meet the real world.

Some of the good reads from this website are provided below, I am sure you will have a good time LOL and ROFL.

And yes, the website inspired me to try my hand at satire. I picked up a current topic - Obama's visit to India in Nov, 2010, his constant urge to awaken Americans to supersede Indians and Chinese, to build my satirical account.

Some good reads on
My Account (read below)

Obama’s secret agenda for visit to India revealed
We all know that Obama is highly paranoid about the pace at which India and China are catching up with the USA in all fields. Last week, Obama woke up American school students from an eternal hibernation and asked them to race faster than their counterparts in Bangalore and Beijing. But reporters at have progressed an extra mile. Tying up with Wikileaks, the special correspondents of the website have uncovered the ulterior objective of Obama’s trip to India in November.

It is not the Civil Nuclear Bill, it is not about Warren Anderson, it is about means of demolishing Indian schools and demotivating Indian children, particularly Bangalore kids, from studying well. Secret sources from the White House indicate that Obama is planning to table a 456 agreement with India, given that the 123 agreement is drafted and passed.

This agreement seeks India’s complete and unconditional cooperation in performing the tasks below –
1) Curbing the mid day free meal scheme at schools with immediate effect
2) No free primary education
3) Allow 100% reservations in all professional educational institutions
4) No more new IIM s and IIT s
5) Destruction of esteemed schools in Indian urban centers with special focus on Bangalore. Obama plans to deploy well-trained American forces with decades of war experience in Iraq and Afghanistan for this cause.
6) Provision of a free Nintendo Wii plus other hi-fi gaming gadgets to every Indian student in an attempt to ruin focus on studies. Free distribution till stocks last and students from class 10 and 12 will be given first preference.
7) Guaranteed chance to every student to show case their talent on America’s Got Talent show, encourage full time participation in other US reality shows, thus prodding the students to bunk schools.

Undercover agents reveal that the above is only a rudimentary draft and Obama intends to list out more naughty shenanigans. They also state that US government officials are urging the Indian government strongly, to pass the 456 agreement in the Parliament before Obama’s arrival.

When we questioned the ruling party and some opposition parties on this leaked out draft of 456 agreement, this is what they had to say –
CPI senior member, D Raja said, “We were always against literacy, always hated English medium schools. Take West Bengal in Jyoti Basu times, he was a master translator, man with a great vision and never allowed English to be the medium of education. His loss is the biggest tragedy. Had we followed his foot steps, we would not have faced this day”

Arun Jaitley of BJP remarked, “All this is because of the Congress party. They have for ages had elite associations, studied in Harvard and Oxford. Now the current generation is facing the ire of US government and paying the price.”

Kapil Sibal, the Union Minister replied in his characteristic brilliant fashion, “The media is creating unnecessary hype, the government has still not received a copy of 456 bill. And, for God’s sake, Obama has nothing to be scared of Johnny-come-lately India. However, if US intends to table a similar bill on China, we welcome the decision wholeheartedly”

Children from urban centers largely welcomed the 456 agreement. In fact, they wanted its quick approval before the board exams in Mar-Apr 2011. They justified that free gaming consoles, trip to USA with parents for participation in reality shows were zillion times worthier than a free meal at school or a seat at IIM/IIT. One of them sheepishly remarked, “Obama knows how to bell the CAT”.

Obama is planning to avoid a visit to Bangalore during his Indian trip. Upset at Bangalore’s skyrocketing progress, he raised the slogan, “Say NO to Bangalore, YES to Buffalo”. The people of Haryana and UP have welcomed this slogan, extremely happy that Obama respects buffaloes. In fact, they have invited Obama to visit their state.

When we questioned Karnataka CM Yeddyurappa if he was unhappy that Obama boycotted Bangalore, this is what he had to say, “He is not POSCO, he is not Arcelor or Vedanta, and who is he? I am not bothered.”

With such indifferent response from politicians, 456 bill may pass with minimal vocabulary corrections, but the future of Indian education, is truly, at stake.
The End


Vikram Shu said...

Hahaha....the last three paragraph left me ROFL...superb job and why dont you send it to faking news...might get published....

you may also add that Obama on advice from Google/Apple wants to make Microsoft OS freely available for all Indian school computers. Needless to say, they will all crash 24 times a day and ensure the students get demotivated

Juhi said...

Me too thoroughly enjoyed reading this...the part about “Say NO to Bangalore, YES to Buffalo” had me in splits! you should seriously send it to faking news....
looking forward to more satires from u.....